Speak Now......

i need a nap. I need alot of things.
but i cant believe that school is about to start back.ughhhh im not looking forward to it and i have too many things on my mind to keep focused. I need to be focused this semester because i have some tough classes and I need to keep my grades up.  
things are going to be alot different. and i hate changed. and i hate losing people that are the closest to me.
i dont know what i am going to do. i guess take it a day at a time and try to figure out things.
i just cant believe there are no more feelings. and it hurts.
so bad. 

 why do itty bitty things always bother me so much?
and when i make a point to point them out.
no one does anything about it?
..ugh

 i just really dont think i can do this anymore.
what kind of REAL effort was put in?
only time will tell what his true feelings are....

WOW.
i dont know why im deciding to write at 12:30 at night after I drove for 2 and a half hours. but here i am.
i am so confused with life right now. probably the most ive EVER been confused.
and thats saying alot.
im trying to figure things out. figure people out. and plan what i want for the future.
maybe the things i planned might not work out now.
i dont know.
im just so lost and feel so lied to and hurt.
maybe people arent who they seem to be
or put on the act that they are someone they are not. 

it all just makes me want to throw up 

 i have a hugeeee history test tomorrow. i wish i didnt work in the morning so icould just study then. but my luck i do...so im staying up late...ughhhhhhhh it sucks.
i better go do that.
but there is SO much going on right now...
i need a day to relax.
and my brother is getting surgery on thursday :(
school
and other issues..
blahhhhhh
<3

I dont know what to do.
i mean im kinda torn as to what i want lately.
and no one talks to me like that.
ive dealt with that too much before. enough said.

i mean really?? how much of an idiot are you? why do people always lie and make themselves believe things that arent true.  and i hope i wasnt THAT bad back in the day..
funny how things work out.
and what people say about other people


that they dont even know about..

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i have so much aggression and anger build up its just not even funny. im so tired of people being so god damn selfish and not thinking about other people. there are too many people in my life that our like this and i have to constantly ask my self why they are still in my life. i dont want to be around people like that.
i went to athens this weekend. (i am hopefully transferring to UGA next year)
but being there and everything made me really want to go and then at the same time wonder if it is the right move. there are so many factors that makes it such a good decision and then there are parts about it i am so unsure of. i just really need to think about what would be best for ME and not other people- for once.
the weekend was good for the most part. the last night i was there is a different story.
i mean i just still dont understand!! and talking to wesley just made me madder and madder about the whole situation. how can someone treat someone like that. its horrible and i feel so bad that i got him in trouble for something like that -- i do feel like that is my fault -- he just went kinda along for the ride. i got everyone involved in that when i was the only person that really wanted to go. cuz i really wanted to see kayla. but she knew that i was going. i just dont understand it at all. and no one should feel bad and think they are a sucky friend --  
some people just need to look at everything around them and actually APPRICIATE the things people do for them.
i never get a recall back and i can name a handful of people that get calls. i mean where was my call on my birthday!? you have the time to tell me on facebook happy birthday but not a phone call. dont get mad at people for doing so mething like that to you when you do the exact same thing.
and i fully appriciate the NO thank you for coming
and for the present
im so fucking tired of it all.
grrr. im done venting.
the end 

well blah. that is the story ofmy life!
i mean just when i think things are going perfectly in my life and im actually looking forward to the future. this past week happens.
i have NEVER in my life been so upset asi have been this past week. and believe me..i have been upset PLENTLY of times. its just hard to know that he could do that. and i would have never have thought.  i thought so highly of him and i actually still do.
it literally kills me--the situation now. i just dont know what to do with myself.
and i know he's right about most of the stuff he says. i do need to tone it down on the whole jealousy, controlling, and bitchyness--deep down i know he's right. but there is still a part of me that doesnt want to admit that most of this is my fault. i mean i WAS the one who brought it up i WAS the one that said it first. and then i was quick to take it back bc it hurt so badly. so then in turn i just hurt myself badly bc i brought up the topic and now he needs to think. 

im such an idiot. 
and i wrote a nice letter. didnt get a thank you.
when he never wrote me or talked to me ab how he feels about me after that shocking discovery last week. all i wanted was a letter or a talk about what i mean to him. and then a week later i get this.

i suck.